19 wild headlines from 2018 that sadly aren't from The Onion

Has 2018 felt unreasonably long to anyone else?

Between the mess of our presidential administration and the bizarre internet drama we've all sat through, it has been a year. Can you believe snacking on Tide Pods was a thing in January?How has the year managed to drag on for so long?

Here are the wildest headlines from 2018 that, unfortunately, aren't articles from The Onion.

1. Trump bragged that his "nuclear button" was bigger than Kim Jong-un's

Let's start early. During his annual address to the nation, Kim Jong-un announced that North Korea could easily strike the United States with nuclear missiles. In response, Trump went full dick measuring contest and tweeted, "I too have a Nuclear Button, but it is a much bigger & more powerful one than his."

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2. Curling faces a doping scandal, yes you read this correctly

Clearly a physically demanding sport, the curling community was rocked with a doping scandal during the Winter Olympics in Pyeongchang this year. Russia's Alexander Krushelnitsky, who brought home the bronze for mixed doubles, tested positive for meldonium. Yikes.

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3. Trump wants to create a military branch called 'Space Force'

Because the United States military doesn't get enough of the nation's resources, Trump wants to expand the armed forces into ... space.

"We're doing a tremendous amount of work in space. I said, maybe we need a new force. We'll call it the space force," he told a crowd of Marines. "And I was not really serious, and then I said, 'What a great idea!' Maybe we'll have to do that." 

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4. Donald Trump and Joe Biden gear up for a fist fight

Like an extremely lame version of the Burr-Hamilton rivalry, the current president and former VP butted heads over passive aggressive speeches and tweets.

During a speech about sexual assault on campus, Biden — without naming names — said he wouldn't debate the "guy who ended up becoming our national leader."

"If we were in high school, I'd take him behind the gym and beat the hell of out him," Biden continued.

Trump, obviously, responded in the most Trump way: With a tweet.

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5. Donald Trump just called his remarks 'boring' and threw away his notes

During an economic roundtable in April, our commander in chief literally tossed away his prepared remarks and improvised the rest.

Are you even surprised at this point?

6. Kanye West suggests slavery was a 'choice' in heated TMZ segment

Always the provocateur, Kanye West continued his tradition of terrible takes by suggesting that slavery was a "choice" during a tense TMZ segment.

"We're mentally in prison," he said during the heated debate. He also extolled Trump and "freedom of thought."

7. Trump and Sean Hannity call each other every night before bed

According to a report by New York Magazine, Trump and Hannity chat nearly every weeknight before bed. They call each other after The Sean Hannity Showairs, and the two exchange all the hot gossip about global current events.

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8. Kim Kardashian and Donald Trump talked about prison reform, because 2018 is off the rails

Kim K — beauty mogul and reigning queen of reality TV Kim K — visited the White House to discuss prison reform with Trump. She appealed on behalf of prisoners hit with life sentences for nonviolent drug offenses.

The meeting resulted in Trump pardoning 63-year-old Alice Johnson from prison, and we alsogot some memes from this painfully awkward photo.

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9. IHOP rebrands as IHOb, and then re-rebrands as IHOP

Remember when IHOP changed its name to IHOb, and then went back to IHOP after a month? Yeah, that happened this year.

Concluding a massive social media feud that all of Brand Twitter tried to jump in on, IHOP called the whole stunt "the time we faked it." OK.

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10. The world roots for a raccoon scaling a skyscraper

This is the only piece of news that matters, honestly. When a little raccoon somehow ended up scaling a skyscraper in Minneapolis, the internet watched, enraptured for a whole day and a half. Let's be real: We all had a newfound appreciation for life when the raccoon safely made it to the top.

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11. Archeologists unearth a mysterious black sarcophagus and people want to drink the juice inside

If there's anything this exceptionally long year has taught us, it's that existential dread runs so deep, people are down to usher in the end times.

When archaeologists unearthed a massive black sarcophagus in Egypt, people lowkey hoped that it would unleash a curse on the world. When it didn't, sarcophagus enthusiasts started a Change.org petition to drink the nasty red liquid leaking out of the ancient tomb. A few weeks later, someone started another Change.org petition to eat the probably diseased cheese found in another ancient tomb.

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12. Elon Musk is building a 'kid-size submarine' to rescue Thai kids trapped in cave

Like an off-brand Bruce Wayne, Elon Musk tried swooping into Thailand to save a kids' soccer team, despite resistance from experts and local officials. When his baby sarcophaguschild-sized submarine proved inefficient to navigate the tight passages of the underwater cave, Musk threw a temper tantrum and called one of the chief divers a "pedo guy."

He also got into a spat with Azealia Banks and went through an SEC investigation for tweeting about taking Tesla private, so he's had a year.

13. Trump tweets at Iran in all caps

Like an overgrown child, Trump responded to international conflict in an unhinged all-caps tweet. Note that Twitter and Facebook have been blocked in Iran since 2009.

Here's the tweet in all its memeable glory:

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14. The president's call with Mexico fits perfectly with the Veep end credits

When Trump's call with the president of Mexico ran into some technical issues, the internet didn't hold back on mocking it. It turns out that the debacle fits perfectlywith the end credits from Veep— from the jaunty music to the president asking, "Enrique?" on speakerphone.

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15. Stormy Daniel's description of Trump's penis ruins Mario games forever

Let's all take a moment to remember the day that the nation as a collective force lost whatever remaining hope we had left.

An excerpt of Stormy Daniel's tell-all "Full Disclosure" went public and horrified everyone with its description of Trump's dick. Recounting her affair with Trump, she described his junk as "a huge mushroom head ... like a toadstool" and then compared it to the "mushroom character in Mario Kart."

Is anyone else dry heaving?

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16. Trump-themed dating app leaks users' personal data

Yes, there isa dating app called Donald Daters. You probably don't want to use it though — aside from the lukewarm takes and endless sea of pastel shorts, the app also leaked its users' personal data.

Sorry, MAGA lovers, you'll have to find another safe space for your dating pool.

17. Gritty was the face of Philadelphia's protest against the alt-right

Our son Gritty, who we love and support, was the face of an anti-Proud Boys rally in Philadelphia. The monstrous orange Flyers mascot was emblazoned on signs and banners as protestors marched against the whiny misogynistic manbabies trying to gather in the city. It was beautiful.

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18. Sarah Huckabee Sanders shares doctored Infowars video of Jim Acosta incident

After Trump threw a tantrum on the podium during a testy exchange with CNN's Jim Acosta, the White House tried to revoke his press pass. Then, Sarah Huckabee Sanders justified the highly unconstitutional move with an edited video of the incident from Infowars.

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19. Trump told an elaborate lie about voter fraud and cereal

Shortly after the midterm elections, Trump chatted with the Daily Caller and told a series of increasingly bizarre lies about voter fraud. Claiming that voters "put on a different hat" and "come in and vote again," the president also seemed deeply confused about how normal Americans buy groceries.

“If you buy a box of cereal — you have a voter ID,” Trump insisted.

At least we got some memes out of it.

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Anyway, happy almost new year. Let's hope 2019 is less of a wild ride, because this shit's exhausting.